You guys, parenting is weird.
The places I’ve picked up poop, the things I’ve said out loud, and the ways I’ve bent over backwards to please my little people are, quite frankly, astounding and possibly award worthy.
But one of the weirdest parts about parenting is the books I’m reading over and over. And over and over.
And because my kids want to read through the same books enough times to drive pretty much anyone bat-sh*t crazy, I’ve decided to dissect their ridiculousness once and for all. Here goes nothing.
Is your Mama a Llama? Why does every other animal on the planet seem to know exactly what their mama is except poor, uneducated Lloyd? Even the bat, who I wasn’t even aware had a brain worthy of riddles, dismisses Lloyd as a complete goofball. And Lynn, good-ole condescending Lynn who can’t even answer the question directly but plays off Lloyd’s ignorance with pleasure. Real nice, Lynn. Besides, I have to wonder where his mother even is… maybe CPS should be getting involved here.
Llama Llama Red Pajama. Speaking of llamas, can someone please, please, PLEASE explain the red pajamas. Considering this book is a series now, are we ever going to learn the true origin of this llama’s ungodly fashion sense? And do we even want to know? I don’t want all the hoopla to end a la Lost, season six.
Goodnight Gorilla. First of all, can someone please tell me what to say during this story. I turn each page and my kids look up to me with youthful anticipation, and I feel the need to freestyle my way through this wordless wonder where a bunch of zoo animals escape and want nothing more than to curl up in bed with the zookeeper and his wife. What a mess. And guess who has to get her ass out of bed and clean up this train wreck of a situation? That’s right, the wife. If you don’t think I improv about the sh*tstorm Mr. Zookeeper’s going to be in the next morning, you underestimate me.
Click Clack Moo. Cows That Type. They should call this one Socialism for Kids. I could have sworn I read this book in middle school, only it was called Animal Farm and the pigs were really, really smart. First of all, Farmer Brown is a turd. His poor animals are cold, what’s the harm of a few electric blanket? But Farmer Brown also seems to be living in the 20th century. I mean, a typewriter? How am I supposed to explain this gadget to my kids? Embrace technology, Farmer Brown! And while you’re at it, watch out for those ducks. They’re a sneaky lot.
Goodnight Moon. I’m saving the best for last. Is this not the weirdest, creepiest book out there? I mean, “Goodnight nobody?” I want to keep that cute bunny on suicide watch every time I read that. Almost as creepy is that room he’s in. Red balloons, kittens, mice, and some leftover mush no one bothered to put away (hence the mice!). Then there’s the weird old lady whispering “hush.” I assume that if she was his mom, or grandma, or second cousin, the book would mention the relation. But no, she’s just the old lady someone invited into this kids room to creep this poor kid out.
Both my kids love to read but I have to wonder why we can’t enjoy a normal story with simple plots and fashion-savvy characters. Like the good ole days. I mean Little Red Riding Hood and Jack and the Beanstalk are pretty much impenetrable, yes?
Now tell me, what books do you read to your kids that are weird, confusing or loaded with plot holes? I’m looking to expand my library…