The Working Mom vs. the Stay at Home Mom

Can I tell you a secret?

When I was a girl, I was certain I would be a stay at home mom. First, it’s what all the other girls wanted, so it seemed like the cool thing to do. But also, it just sounded like the easy “out” from decision making. There wasn’t any subject in school I was particularly passionate about. I sucked at math and biology. I was strangely adept at chemistry but I thought it was extremely boring. I was a proficient writer but what could I possibly do with that?

It seemed to me that the best course for my future was to marry a very wealthy man and live out my days frolicking outside with my kids, going to the salon, and shopping. This was many, many years before The Real Housewives phenomenon, folks.

Where did I develop this unrealistic, uninspired vision of how my future should be? My mom was a very driven career woman. I went to a college preparatory school. I was taught that education was the key to prosperity and success. And yet, I believed the true source of my future happiness would be determined by the man I married and what HIS career path provided.

SMH.

Of course, this belief system changed once I reached college. Women kicking ass in the workforce was considered cool now, and I wanted to rule the world as much as anyone else. Also, the idea of depending on a man for MY financial security seemed ridiculous. I found my niche in marketing and I never looked back. Until I had kids.

I assumed I would be a working mom since starting my marketing career. I put so much time, passion, and energy into my job it was essentially (pardon the pun) my “baby.” I did not want to lose out on future success by stepping away from my work. I unfairly judged other women who did step away from their careers to raise kids as not career minded and not committed to success.

But as we all know, having kids changes everything. I’m back to work part-time in marketing while home with the kids the rest of the week. Can I just say something? Raising a family while pursuing a career feels like a straight shot to the insane asylum. After all, instead of having one job where I want to be the best, now I have two.

In June, as part of my Ultimate Mom Challenge I read Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In, and got a great refresher on the male/female salary gap, the glass ceiling, and the arduous decision every mother has to make about whether to “lean in” to her career after having children, or stay home.

I must say, I wish I had this book as a resource in my 20’s, before kids were part of the picture. Sheryl gives amazing advice on developing your career even before kids, finding mentors, building your resume, and making sound choices that will positively impact the rest of your professional career. She speaks to mistakes I definitely made early in my profession, and offers suggestions I really could have used 10, 12, 15 years ago.

Alas, the book was not available back then. And besides, it is strongly marketed as a book for working moms, so I’m not sure I would have picked it up even if it was available. Sheryl advocates for women not to fear working-mom life. She believes women put too much pressure on ourselves to do it all, and while some give and take is inevitable, it is possible to balance a career with a quality home life.

Now that I have children, my desire to “lean in” to my job has softened a bit. My priorities have changed so much after birth, I realize some of the things I found important in my past life are no longer any concern. While career success still drives me, it is not the be-all, end-all it once was. And in truth, some days I don’t feel like leaning in at all. I want to lean out — way, way out.

What is the secret to a balance work/home life? Is it 50/50 time between work and family? Is it less time with family but higher quality? Right now I work three days a week. I love having more time with my kids, but also sufficient time in the office. But some days I leave my heart at daycare. And other days I feel like I’m not accomplishing enough at work to build and grow my career.

Maybe I’ll never know the secret. Maybe I’ll always feel a pang of dissatisfaction that my work/home life is never quite balanced. Maybe I’ll always feel guilty I’m not putting all my time and energy into just one thing. Maybe I’ll always feel frustration that I’m not the very best as a mom or a career woman.

Or maybe this is what a perfect balance looks like for me. Years down the road, I might yearn for these days when I “had it all” — a part-time job, two little kids at home, and a happy life balancing both. After all, life won’t always look like this. Change is part of the game. Perhaps I should just enjoy my time as a stay at home mom AND a working mom. I don’t do either perfect, but I do the best I can.