What everyone is asking about my “Dear Husband” letter
I want to give YOU, my old, new and dear friends, the inside scoop on how my Dear Husband post came about. You will not find this story anywhere else, so enjoy!! (Read the letter here)
I wrote my Dear Husband post a while ago. If you follow me closely, you know my kids (two boys) are four and almost two now. My post talks about my baby in his bassinet so you can do the math. It was some time ago.
I penned this post sort of like a journal entry. I had no intention of sharing it. And I had no plan to print it out and leave it for my husband either (contrary to what many assumed!) As a writer, it’s easier for me to write my feelings on paper before communicating directly, and this was exactly what I did.
I wrote this journal entry and put it away. Then, I talked to my husband. Face to face. We had a long talk, and several talks that naturally followed. We talked about EVERYTHING! Our new lives as parents, our expectations, our deepest fears, and our struggles. I told my husband I NEEDED MORE HELP! My husband told me he needed more communication, more trust, and more bonding time with the new baby. And more alone time with me. Yes!
Can you believe it? We were new parents so focused on just getting through the day that we had no idea what the other was thinking… What our partner needed… It was eye-opening. Enlightening. It was a beautiful moment of marital connection that feels so rare in the early weeks and months after a baby is born.
We decided to make some big changes. My husband took over several nighttime feedings with milk I was pumping during the day. We moved some money around and budgeted for a housekeeper. We scheduled our first date night in months.
These changes seem simple enough, but they were earth shattering for us. I was able to get more sleep. My husband got more bonding time with the baby. And we got to reconnect with each other, something we took for granted before kids came along.
I decided to publish this letter after we had settled into our new routine. I believed it would help other women speak their truths. I hoped it would serve as a catalyst for change for women who are struggling; breaking like I was.
It’s working.
Women around the world have reached out to me. They are starting the conversation. They are speaking up.
If you are breaking. If you are on the edge… Speak up. Work to make changes. You are not alone in this. We are here for you. I am here for you.
Please continue to follow me on this journey. I have some amazing plans in store this year, and I want you to be the first to know. I love you and I’m sending you all a big virtual hug.
Excellent!
Stacy says
I just read your letter. And cried. A lot.
My sons are now 19 and 21 years old and your plea took me back instantly to those early days. It’s like you were inside my head. Amazing that so many years later the feelings of overwhelm, desperation and despair are still so strong and close to the surface.
I was not able to articulate the need for help and did it all myself for years, getting more and more angry and burnt out. We divorced when the boys were 3 & 5.
I am convinced that communicating your truth - even if done clumsily - is far preferable to suffering in silence for the good of saving face in order to maintain a ‘harmonious marriage’.
I commend you for your courage and willingness to share with others who are obviously enduring similar situations.
I’m touched, Stacy. Thank you for your response. Sometimes it feels easier to just “suck it up” and go the extra mile every day. But as you articulate, the long term effects can be devastating.
Jessica says
Wow! I am at work and in tears! First after reading the letter then after reading the comment left by Stacy. I am in the middle of a separation and my husband is in process of moving out. He just got keys on the 1st to an apartment. I am sad, scared and unsure what the future holds me and my two girls. It’s amazing reading this and realizing I was not alone and I am not alone now. I have always had trouble communicating my point and making myself heard during difficult times. I wish I would have sought out more help when I felt my marriage crumbling. I always felt like asking for help meant I was not doing it right. I also thought asking for help meant there was something wrong with him for not recognizing I needed help, for not recognizing that through my nagging and anger I was literally screaming for help. I didn’t want to be that wife that kept him from social activities like weekly bowling and weekly softball games. I didn’t want to be that wife! and here we are. 🙁
Judy Smith says
Glad to hear things worked out in the end, but I’m disappointed by the original letter to your husband. In it, I read words of criticism, blame placing, finger pointing, mocking his cooking abilities, using swear words while communicating, and using the word “I” 73 times. How about asking him how he felt and asking him what he needed after a long day at work providing for the family? It’s important to discuss the topic that you did, but I thought it wasn’t handled as politely as it could have been. His needs matter every bit as yours.
Hi Judy, thanks for your comment! I’m afraid you may have missed the point of the letter. I actually wrote it for myself; perhaps that’s why I use the word “I” so many times 🙂 I hope you take a moment to read my “behind the scenes” post, where I explain the purpose of the letter. This is so much bigger than just a conversation between two people. This is the elephant in the room for so many. We need to talk about these expectations, these gender roles, and the stereotypes because that is what will facilitate change. I hope you see the bigger picture, but if not I wish you the best regardless.
jim B says
I am compelled to comment as well from a husbands perspective. I am going through a similar situation myself with my wife. 3 year old and a 9 month old. Celeste, in addition to the elephant you refer to as the Gender roles I think you are expressing a way more important topic which is resentment. I hear an overwhelming amount of built up unresolved anger. That letter does not sound at all to be written from you to you. Typically the first indication of who the letter is too follows the opening line of “DEAR” and in this case I see “DEAR HUSBAND” The part of this that is the most disappointing comes from just how long it seems like the anger has been building up. The Gender Role issue seems so insignificant compared to how long you let something bother you before you said something at a minimum to your husband. If you are so angry you had to take care of your children all day I am sure your action throughout the day are being communicated to your children, which to them are probably coming across as something they did wrong. Judy says something about this but doesn’t point out any specifics in the story. Another very concerning aspect of the story is how much your blaming your husband for not reading your mind when you state it yourself what an awesome job you are doing hiding the fact your falling apart on the inside. Again the gender topic seems so insignificant compared to your cover up of anger but I get it because if you focused on the anger part that would truly be focusing on you and what you can change and that is way more difficult then focusing on gender roles which allows you to avoid working on anything until you saw your husband trying to fix something.
Jim, I appreciate you reaching out because I am interested in other husband’s perspectives. One thing that fascinates me from the feedback I’ve received in this letter is how significantly peoples’ interpretations differ. People focus on what they want to, and you seem intent on finding resentment littered through my writing. Here’s the deal. I’m not going to argue about what I was or wasn’t feeling when I wrote this letter. I’m not going to argue with you at all. Read what you want and take what you want from it. It pisses me off that I’m being asked to defend myself against your interpretation of my letter. WTF. This is why so many women don’t speak up at all. Because our feelings get called into question and even argued to be wrong. If you don’t like it, too bad. This is what I wrote and this is how I felt. I’m not apologizing for anything and I’m tired AF for apologizing about my feelings.
Regardless of gender, why does the stay-at-home partner get it in their head that the person leaving for work each day is just sitting someplace with their feet up living the ‘life of Reilly’. I’m not saying that the external worker has no responsibility to work at home too; but consider this: The external worker has the ability/liability to do ALL of the At-Home workers responsibilities. The At-home worker DOES NOT have the ability/liability for completing the external workers job.
How often does the external worker call the one at home and asked them to complete their report that is due; or to drive the big rig to it’s inspection; or to pick up toner for the printer?
No one has all the time and resources they need to comfortably complete their work. Only difference is the Stay-at-home partner at least has the option of getting help from the other partner.
barbara kosnik says
I too can relate. At 65 and divorced….I do believe it is because my plead for help fell on deaf ears. I can remember getting desperate and sit on the porch one sunny day … spitting out the words” I am killing myself and need to quit my job”. The response was shocking. I did NOT hear….” How can I help…or sorry to hear that you are feeling that way”. The response was “You cannot until you show me how you will cut back on the expenses and we can live on one paycheck”. I found that response horrific since his income alone was six figures. I did not need one more job. I now realize that the divorce was my final plea for help and I should of just quit my job. It was his time to step up to the responsibility of husband and father. I shut down. That was the worst thing I could have done. I pleased for anyone feeling similar…do not shut down.