From the moment I got pregnant with my first child, it’s been a battle. A war. With my work, with my family, with my schedule, with societal expectations. And above all, with myself.
I knew it would be hard to hold a job and raise kids, but I learned early on that it would be harder than I ever imagined.
First, unpaid maternity leave. Six weeks unpaid leave to get my maternal bearings and lean the-f*ck back in.
I came back to work with a breast pump and hemorrhoids to boot. At the time, I felt ready. My postpartum depression wouldn’t kick in for another three months.
Over time, sleep became a little more predictable. The baby got a little more in a routine. Life stabilized slightly. But the mental load of motherhood was all consuming. And with each day… then a second kid, things just got harder. And heavier.
When I was at work, I was thinking about home. Who’s picking up the kids today. What time is the doctor check-up. What’s for dinner. It was constant head games of trying to multitask while keeping a paycheck going.
I felt self-pressured to keep the house clean, stay attractive and put together, provide the kids with multiple extracurricular activities and know how to “positive discipline” inside and out.
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Krisi says
I am so sorry you are struggling, but know that you are not alone. As much as I needed to work again to feel like someone other than just a mother, I had the same struggles. I couldn’t help but wear myself out thinking about everything that needs to get done for my child. It can be so draining. I hope you find a balance.