So I sent my son to school with no pants today. Yesterday I sent him to school with no lunch.
You’re probably calling CPS right now… hear me out for just a minute.
First, I need to vent. I’m having the hardest time of my life right now. Parenting is just hands down the most trying job I’ve ever had. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when my husband and I decided “let’s have a baby” one night with way too much wine and stupid ignorant expectations. I mean, it’ll be so much fun, right???
And now I’m here. Driving away from my son’s preschool, eyes welling up with tears. Because I just walked him to his classroom with no pants.
It was a strategy. His teacher and I discussed it yesterday. Every day, getting clothes on is a battle. It’s a bitch, really. And packing his lunch is like pulling teeth. And my son is the king of manipulation and power struggles. So we are trying to stay on top of the game. He knows how to get dressed, he knows how to pack his lunch. If he refuses, he faces the consequences… meaning he goes to school without a lunch or clothes.
Maybe it’s a little extreme (don’t worry, they do feed him at lunch and they provide clothes there), and I certainly assure you it’s embarrassing as hell. Walking my son through the school doors with undies and a shirt this morning was humbling and bewildering for me, I can only imagine it was a mix of feeling for my son too.
I should mention we are at a Montessori school. At daycare, this would be a whole different animal. Daycare doesn’t care who dresses my son or who packs his lunch, but they sure as hell aren’t going to give me the thumbs up when I walk him in without clothes or food. Montessori is such a different style of learning and responsibility, it really deserves its own post or ten. And I’m not ready to tell that story yet because frankly I still have a lot of learning to do.
I’m not saying either one is right or wrong. But there was bound to be some pushback when I switch to one style of education to another this past August. I mean, it’s ignorant to think the transition would be smooth as butter. But this hard? Sh-ittttt.
I’m overwhelmed, I’m scared, and I am trying to take this day by day because just making it to 8 p.m. is freaking hard. I’m supposed to be implementing consequences. So far, I’ve taken away the TV, I took away the toys, and last night I even removed my son’s books. I’m running out of consequences here. What is left to take away?
The goal is to make things better. My prayers are things will get easier. But sometimes it’s hard to keep my eye on the prize and I just wish someone else could do the work. Sometimes I just want to run away and let someone else figure it out. Because anybody could do a better job than me at this point. It’s like I’d be doing everybody a favor.
Of course, I won’t run off. I love my kids too much and I don’t want to go a single day without them in my lives. But I do feel like I should tattoo #fail on my forehead most days. And I resent that parenting isn’t more intuitive. I thought being a good mom would just settle on me like a well-loved pair of pants.
Pants… Get it????
Us parents are all in the same boat. You’ll get through it just fine and the kids will grow up and someday look after you?
Teaching consequences is soooooo hard! My daughter once went all day with a sign around her neck saying “I am a liar.” It was our last resort. Everything else had been taken away. She was told that if she told one more lie, no matter how big or small, then she would wear a sign all day regardless of where we had to go. She did, so I had to follow through. I think it was harder on me in the long run! But it was a long, long time before she lied again. The irony? Now she is a parent of one biological daughter and two step children. The two oldest are chronic liars. She will tell me about them being in trouble for lying, and will say “I know, mom. Don’t say it - I know!” They survive our parenting. They grow up and make their own decisions and mistakes - and learn from them and then do their best to pass on their lessons to their kids. The circle of life!
So true Janice. It does seem to hurt us more than it hurts them. My son still goes to school sometimes without his pants. It doesn’t even phase him! And there I am sweating bullets hoping no one says anything. I love that you now have the perspective from your now grown-up daughter to reflect back on. Thank you so much for your comment!
Hey Celeste, First off thanks for being vulnerable and putting this “out there” for everyone to “SEE” & read. Second, thanks for “sticking to it” and actually going through the “embarrassment” and owning all the thoughts that were going through your head (whether or not those thoughts were real or not, or those things were really happening or not) because it is for those very reasons we have many of the issues with our children today. It is truly easier to simply say “I pay school taxes and therefore it is their job to do this piece of my child’s “education” But disciplining is NOT what we as a culture have approved in schools or really what any of us parents and grandparents appear to want. So why then do so many parents and grandparents decide to go that route?
One reason could be the fact that you so beautifully wrote about, it is hard! It is so very hard to be the heavy and dish out those consequences. Mainly because, you have to go to your kid’s school with your child in tow wearing only a diaper. Why? Because your child chose to ignore your request and put his pants on.
Too many parents and grandparents make empty threats, because without the follow through, that’s all it is, a threat. And now when the child calls you out on your request, you HAVE to follow through. If you do not, what they quickly learn is that your word has no authority and means nothing, and I as the child do not have to listen.
So you get called out by your child (It happens to all of us, its part of their learning process) and now your mind will call you out, because in your mind, your follow through will be public! … It will be out there! No mistaking it! Everyone will see it and everyone will know. This is what we (the truly loving parents), will go through … our minds will go CRAZY! … What does everyone think of me? AM I a bad parent? It looks like I don’t love my kid. And of course we always arrive at …”Is this really the right thing to do????
I’m proof that the answer is - YES!
I am in this country’s public school system and I get to see how everyone’s children think, act and speak, …. without filters.
You think that walking with your preschooler pant-less was embarrassing?
Oh no, true Embarrassment, for most (yes, I did say MOST parents - uh huh, there are THAT many behavior issues in our public school systems). Unfortunately, if those parents and grandparents who are embarrassed to send their kid to school without pants in preschool and maybe even those same people who saw you walk your diaper clad son into the preschool, could see the behavior and disrespect we see every day, from their children because they did not walk their children pant-less into preschool, they would most likely tell you that preschool pantlessness is nothing close to the face reddening, hide in the floor cracks, “we have to move”, sheer embarrassment after watching for one day that same awful behavior and disrespect we see and receive every day.
Now, to say that kids have a strong will is truly an understatement, they can out last most adults simply because they do not have those other thoughts. The thoughts that made you (an extremely loving and wonderfully human - parent) uncomfortable. They just don’t exist in the mind of a child … yes even all the way through middle school and often even into high school. For many children these days, those days are gone. The times when we worried about others and how we look in their eyes as a child, they’re gone. Simply because they can easily turn the situation around and make it your fault that I as the child look this bad. And after a few times of this happening, I the child will begin to think and realize how embarrassed you are.
I say all this to let you know you are one of the great few who are willing to suffer the ounce of pain now so you may never suffer the years of agony later. Just remember to never discipline (no matter what form you decide to use), never discipline out of any heart other than that of 100% love and it will always be known to the child even if they don’t let it be known … it is.
Here’s a tip: something that I have found to work in the classroom, instead of taking things they like away from them … give them something else to think about, … take away things they don’t like. For instance, in the classroom if the behavior or task is what I’ve asked of them, I may take their Homework away for that evening. Or you can look at it as … Give them a day where they don’t have to do the homework which was assigned. We have kids who skip classes simply because they do not like that teacher and so they will “skip” that class. They may do it by constantly having to use the bathroom or get a drink during that class, and other times they will simply hide somewhere else until the bell rings for the next class. So these students are physically absent from that class, even though they are present in the school building. Unfortunately, these kids will not get the material they need to get a good or often passing grade simply because they physically aren’t there. So, I allow them to miss a day every once in a while. Every once in a while, I don’t make them go to that class. The other teacher is on board with it and makes sure the day missed isn’t a day that vital information is given. But the student gets to skip the class. Now in order to do that they have to be on time and present in that class every day they were in school prior to skipping. They also must be maintaining a “good” grade (a goal we set together), and missing no assignments or tests. Every one of my students who previously skipped these classes, now have A’s in those very same classes, with those very same teachers, every one of them! … Go figure.
So sometimes we should just walk our children into school without pants.
Wow! I love this perspective and what a wonderful idea to take things away they don’t like. It never even occurred to me. Also, thank you so much for what you do.