When my husband and I were first dating, I remember getting into an argument with him about responding to my texts. Sometimes I would send him texts during the workday and he wouldn’t respond. Sometimes he wouldn’t even see them til he got home.
“I just don’t understand,” I remember telling him. “I think about you all day. Don’t you think about me?”
“When I’m at work, I’m thinking about work,“ he responded.
I think about this a lot even now 10 years later and me in a much better place with my codependency issues. My husband is able to do something that I am not. He can compartmentalize, which is a tremendous service to his mental health I believe.
Me on the other hand? I’m a mental conveyor belt constantly going from one thing to the next. Work, kids, chores, groceries, exercise, pets… It’s an endless cycle. And it doesn’t necessarily put me at an advantage, nor does it make me a better parent. It actually works to my detriment (more on that in a sec); and it certainly negatively impacts my mental health.
When I hear people talking about the mental load of motherhood, I often hear arguments of people saying it’s not fair. Our partners needs to do 50% of the work, they say. But that’s not quite it, is it.
Thing is, my husband does 50% of the work. He’s a great dad and a great husband. But I still put in 100% of my mental load. Not because it’s impactful, not because I need to pick up for my husband’s slack. Because that’s just how my brain works. It doesn’t turn off.
When we talk about the mental load of motherhood, I believe this is where we get a lot of things wrong. The mental load can be caused by negligence from a partner certainly. It can also be caused by a lack of communication, gender norms, and control issues. But the mental load also applies to parents with deeply involved spouses too.
My husband‘s ability to focus on work when he’s at work is actually a tremendous coup. Because it means that when he’s at home he’s able to focus on home and the kids. It’s something that I admire so much about him. Because even though I might spend just as much time at home and with the kids, I never feel like I can put 100% of my focus on them. My conveyor belt is constantly turning.
The next time you read an article about the mental load of motherhood, take a step back before you immediately assume the partners needing to put in more work.
This is a much larger issue at play. It’s complicated, it’s heavy, and it’s nuanced. And a lot of it — yes — rests on the mother’s shoulders.
(Image by Common Wild)
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